I am excited to share with you the 9 abuser types that Lundy Bancroft talks about it his book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”. Lundy tells us that most abusers are a combination of 2 or more of these types.
The Demand Man
He has little sense of give and take. His needs and his wants are foremost of importance. He may or may not verbalize what his needs and wants are; he’ll just expect you to meet them. His demands for emotional support from you are exponential. When he needs you to listen, he expects you to drop whatever you are doing to listen to him and fix his issues for him.
Caretaking, is a very interesting phenomenon that I learned about a few years ago. Caretaking is different from caregiving. Caretaking is more of a codependent, dysfunctional and learned behavior. Caregiving is a demonstration of freely given care and love.
When living with Mr. Demand Man, it can be hard to tell if you are care-taking or care-giving. You likely feel as though you are giving out of the love you have for him however, when you start to really pay attention to your actions and motivations, it may become clear to you that you are caretaking in order to stay safe. The likelihood you are care-taking is high when in an abusive relationship with a Demand man.
Sexual attention is demanded by Demand Man. If he wants sex it won’t matter to him if you are ill, physically or emotionally. He will want you , and even go so far as to force you to perform sexual acts even if you are not comfortable. At the same time he really doesn’t care too much if your sexual needs are met.
Over-Exaggerates his contributions
Overall, Demand Man’s demands are well out of proportion to his contributions to the relationship; he constantly feels that you owe him things that he has done nothing to earn. When he doesn’t get what he feels is due him, he punishes you for letting him down. Furthermore, He will over-exaggerate and keep track of every small thing that he has ever done for you. He will conveniently forget the huge things that you do for him.
Plays the Victim
If Demand man doesn’t get what he wants when he wants it he will play the victim. He’ll accuse you of being selfish. He’ll call you names and remind you of all the little things he has ever done for you in a manner that makes you seem ungrateful and truly selfish. If that doesn’t work he will use any number of passive-aggressive maneuvers like the silent treatment to let you know how hurt he is. He truly expects his partner to meet all his needs and will be very demanding until those needs are met, by you.
At the same time he will become enraged if anything is demanded of him. He expects you to take care of him, his emotions, his sexual needs and his desires. If you don’t or you ask him to do anything then you will become the ‘bitch’ the controlling whore or any other number of awful names. The demand man can be easier to live with compared to some of the other abusive men we will discuss. However, if someone outside of the home confronts his abusive behaviors, what he normally saves for behind closed doors will come pouring out.
What the Bible says about Demand Man:
Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.
Philippians 2:3 Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
2 Corinthians 9:7 Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.
1 Corinthians 13:5 Or rude. he does not insist on its own way; he is not irritable or resentful;