I am excited to share with you the 9 abuser types that Lundy Bancroft talks about it his book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”. Lundy tells us that most abusers are a combination of 2 or more of these types.
‘I am always right about everything. You have no business questioning my authority. My superior intelligence should be admired and even worshiped.’ This is the core belief of Mr. Right. He uses his intelligence as a weapon of dominance.
He expects that you will be in awe of his intelligence. He is shocked and offended if you are not. He becomes angry if you question him because that is the same as criticizing him. In fact, by disagreeing with him you are abusing him. You cannot criticize someone who is always right about everything, that just makes you stupid.
His IQ is what he basis his self worth on. He is never to be questioned and if you do catch him stating something that is incorrect, for you own safety, you better not call him on it. Along with that, because he is so smart that means that you are irrefutably dumb. Nothing you say should be taken seriously. Your opinions are ridiculous and unintelligent. If you dare disagree with him then you are just proving his point about how irrational and stupid you are. All arguments turn into power struggles that he bases on his knowledge being right and you being wrong.
He is so smart that he knows exactly what is best for you and how you should live your life. He maintains control by being the ‘teacher’ and keeping you as a ‘student’. He is the expert on your life. He is constantly telling you how you can improve your life, your attitude, at your job and in your relationship with him. Your one and only responsibility is to learn from him. His goal is to fill your mind and make you a carbon copy of him by filling you with his brilliance. He will ridicule your opinions, needs, desires and thoughts as a way of keeping your focus on him. You cannot survive with out him.
His number 1 method of control is ‘defining reality’. His methods make you start to doubt your own reality, doubt your mental ability and doubt your every thought and action. He will mock you, publicly humiliate you and insult you. Everything the partner of Mr. Right does must be measured against what he would or would not approve of. The problem is that often, his approval changes with the wind leaving you off balance and guessing what is acceptable or not.
When dating a Mr. Right, you feel stupid and like you can’t say anything right. You wish you could explain what you are thinking, but nothing ever comes out right when you try to explain it to him. You feel confused, unsure of what to think, or unable to make a decision. You feel like he twists around everything that you say, takes it completely out of context, or makes it sound absurd. You feel like you are never really heard, and never taken seriously. (Life After Dating a Psycho)
What the Bible says about Mr. Right:
Romans 12:16 ESV Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.
Proverbs 13:10 Arrogant know-it-alls stir up discord, but wise men and women listen to each other’s counsel.
1 Corinthians 8:2 Anyone who claims to know all the answers doesn’t really know very much.
1 Corinthians 8:1 We know that “We all possess knowledge.” But knowledge puffs up while love builds up.
I’m glad this subject us being written about. I thought my experience was unique. I was told by my ex that he had the God given right as the priest of his family to treat his kids and I like we were worthless, stupid and always wrong about everything. Its such a misrepresentation of Gods character.
Thank you for sharing the distress contact at the end of your posts! What a great way to provide help. I appreciate your education on these difficult matters!