Ask anyone what they want for Christmas and you’ll hear all sorts of lovely requests for toys, clothes, food and such sundry. This Christmas Eve, I am thinking about all my sister victims, the ones who aren’t ‘out’ yet and the real Christmas lists they are longing for.
A little hug.
A gentle touch from someone who doesn’t require anything back from me. A hug that doesn’t make me flinch in protection. A hug that is full of love.
A little bit of Peace.
Peace in my home. No more tension in the air. A peace that isn’t scary in its silence but exciting in it predictability.
A little bit of quiet.
A break from the yelling. A break from the fighting. A pause for just one day that doesn’t make me shrink in fear of what will happen next.
A little bit of clarity.
A chance to write, or dance or think. A moment to make sense of my chaos. I need time to wade through the noise in my head, to wade through my muddy thoughts.
A little bit of honesty.
To speak my reality to someone who will listen and not have someone judge me. To be honest about my fear, my confusion and my deep hurt without someone trying to fix me.
A little bit of safety.
A day when I don’t fear living in my home. Time to not fear the verbal assault or the fist that hits me. Time that I am not constantly hyper-vigilant, watching for signs of violence.
A little bit of good will.
To be seen as a person, not a slave in my home where I am nothing. To be worthy of love and capable of living.
A little bit of hope.
Hope that my life isn’t lost. I need to hope that I have a future that is violence free. That I can change my situation if only someone would give me hope.
This is my real Christmas list…