I am excited to share with you the 9 abuser types that Lundy Bancroft talks about in his book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”. Lundy tells us that most abusers are a combination of 2 or more of these types.
The poor victim. Everyone has been unkind to him. He is misunderstood and misused in every area of life. Life has treated him unfairly and unkindly. He has lost relationships even though he worked the hardest at making it work. Life is so unfair to him that nothing is his fault. He is so underrated and underappreciated by everyone including his boss, his ex, his parents, his church and his neighbors. Nobody appreciates his true intelligence. He has a slough of sob stories about the many ways he has been mistreated and misunderstood. He preys on a woman’s natural sense of compassion. He will insight feelings of pity in you on his behalf. He may be so successful in his sad stories about his previous relationships that you will find yourself roped into helping him with spreading rumors, fighting for custody of children and even hating his ex.
He will tell sad stories that are also pretty demeaning about his previous partners. You should watch for those stories sounding bitter, mean and vindictive. Be particularly careful with a man who claims to have been the victim of physical violence by a previous female partner. The great majority of men who make such claims are physical abusers. Ask him for as much detail as you can about the violent incidents, and then try to talk to her or seek out anyone else who could give you a different perspective on what happened. Watch for warning signs of abusiveness. (Lundy Bancroft, Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men)
“Its justifiable for me to do to you, whatever I feel like you are doing to me, and even make it quite a bit worse to make sure you get the message” is his basic belief. Because he is blameless in his own sight, if you complain that he mistreats you, that makes you a man hater and him a victim of your cruelty and unfairness. He may show signs of unreal paranoia. He may believe that women are behind the scenes, manipulating everything that happens and because of that, he will never be treated fairly or justly. His poor me attitude may make you reluctant to leave him. You may fear that he will fall into depression and not care properly for himself. The victim is usually the one who is most likely to threaten suicide. Take time to remove yourself form caretaking him. You are not responsible for his choices, his past or his failures. Let him go and move on.
What the Bible says about the Victim:
“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us”
Matthew 7:15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.
1 John 4:20 If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;