I am excited to share with you the 9 abuser types that Lundy Bancroft talks about in his book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”. Lundy tells us that most abusers are a combination of 2 or more of these types.
We have all heard of the player. The man who wants women and gets them. He doesn’t stay in any relationship for very long. He moves through relationships like water and never commits. He knows exactly what to say and how to say to make you feel like you are the only one and that he might commit to you, but he never follows through. He is often really good in bed. You might feel pretty blessed that he is so good and knows how to please you. In the beginning of your relationship he is attentive and loving. He makes you feel special. He makes you believe that he will commit to you but rest assured, if he does commit, he will still be abusive.
Soon, his eye begins to wander. You might catch him in simple but with sexual undertones, communication with other women or in a full blown affair. Ongoing affairs are abusive in and of themselves. As you start to catch onto his infidelity, you may choose to confront him. This is when it might turn dangerous. Although, he has occasionally verbally or emotionally abused you, you were able to explain it away and work it out with him. He may accuse you of having affairs. It is common for abusers to accuse you of what they are doing themselves. When you no longer accept his excuses, he may fight back with physical violence to prove his point.
He has very little regard for the feelings of the women who he dates, sleeps with and woos. Women are made to have sex with him and he is so amazing that he deserves to have as much sex as he wants. Ironically, he views women in two categories. If a woman wants sex then she is too loose. Conversely, if she doesn’t want sex with him then she is a prude.
That, is the driving belief of the Player. He firmly believes that women were made specifically for him to enjoy. They are not people with feelings, stories, families or ideas that matter. They are like beautiful mountains, created for his visual and sexual enjoyment. They are simply to be used and then discarded when he is finished with her. He believes that women who want him to invest in their personhood are bitches and not worth his time. He is in the relationship for one reason alone, sex like he wants it.
Indeed, many players blame women for being so attracted to him. “It’s not my fault women find me so attractive” is the quote from many players. He is often (not always) very good looking and quite sexy. If they weren’t attracted to him then he wouldn’t have to sleep with them but since they are attracted to him and they want sex with him then he is obliged to offer himself for his enjoyment. Did that make sense?? No? That is exactly how they twist reality to get out of responsibility. He real problem in thinking is that he is unable to see women as valuable humans with worth and only sees them as his sexual play things.
Over time, you’ll figure out that he is only into you when he’s having sex with you. He blames you for his wandering eye and is convinced that if you could meet is sexual needs then he wouldn’t have to wander. You might start hearing stories about his other conquests and the stories are all about his sexual status and her inability to handle him. Every relationship ending is her fault. He tells each one stories about how other women have mistreated him, or shares other bits of information—largely invented—to make previous, or current, women in his life sound conniving, vindictive, or addicted to substances.
It is important to understand that your focus may be so targeted toward his sexual exploits that you might totally miss other forms of abuse. Once you remove yourself from his influence, you may start to realize that he was quite verbally and emotionally abusive. You may realize that there was even sexual abuse as well as spiritual abuse. Please take care of yourself and reach out for support from a counselor or recovery group. You may not ever be sure if he is actually having sex with other women. He may tell you that he’s never touched anyone else physically so you have to reason to be upset. Remember, the Player is not a sex addict he is addicted to the thrill of using women without regard to their feelings.
What the Bible says about the Player:
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.
Titus 2:7 Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, dignity
1 Tim 5:24 The sins of some people are conspicuous, going before them to judgment, but the sins of others appear later. 25 So also good works are conspicuous, and even those that are not cannot remain hidden.
Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Proverbs 6:32 He who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself.