I am excited to share with you the 9 abuser types that Lundy Bancroft talks about in his book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”. Lundy tells us that most abusers are a combination of 2 or more of these types.
Mr. Sensitive is a soft spoken, supportive, self help guru. He ‘gets’ you. His words are supportive and kind, most of the time. He is really well versed in psychological mumbo-jumbo. He is so warm, welcoming and supportive. He is your dream come true— when he isn’t abusing you. He speaks strongly against the mainstream “macho-man” and defines himself as the opposite.
He uses a lot of mind control; digging into your past, your family and your thoughts as a way of analyzing you and then using it against you. After time, it is clear that he can get inside your head. He knows you better then you know yourself. In fact, he has spent so much time defining you through his psychological analysis that you may well have lost who you are. Unfortunately, what he ‘sees’ in you in mostly bad, dysfunctional or evil.
In contrast, he is very kind to himself in terms of his psychoanalysis. His feelings are of the most importance. He places his insecurities, fears and emotional injuries at the forefront of his conversations with you so that he can pull you in with his comradery and understanding of your plight. When he has thoroughly sucked you into his charade, he will begin to blame you for all his slighted feelings. If you are the one to hurt his fragile ego, you will never hear the end of it. The judgments he makes about who you are, how cruel and mean you act toward him are never ending. You will feel as though you are never supportive enough, loving enough or kind enough to him. You can never say the right thing and even if you try, you will fail. If he hurts your feelings, however, it won’t be a very big deal. You should be strong enough to just get over it, let it go and forget about it. Your feelings don’t weigh the same as his do.
Mr. Sensitive wants you to be happy that you are with him because he is not like those other men who abuse. He is different. He is smart, cares about you and wants to know everything about you. It is only after time that you start to figure out that his caring and psych-knowledge are all a front for his own need to hide his fragile ego. He desperately wants to keep you under his control and uses mind games to do so. He keeps his abuses well hidden but don’t be fooled he is intimidating and threatening.
What the Bible says about Mr. Sensitive:
Matthew 15:17-20 … But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.
John 8:44 You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.
Proverbs 23:7 For he is like one who is inwardly calculating. “Eat and drink!” he says to you, but his heart is not with you.
Proverbs 18:1 He who separates himself seeks his own desire, He quarrels against all sound wisdom
Matthew 23:25 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the dish, but inside they are full of robbery and self-indulgence.