I am excited to share with you the 9 abuser types that Lundy Bancroft talks about in his book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”. Lundy tells us that most abusers are a combination of 2 or more of these types.
The Drill Sergeant
The Drill Sergeant completely believes that he must control you, control your thoughts, your location, your actions, your words and your life. If he doesn’t control you, then you will mess yourself and him up royally. He has opinions, which are stated as fact, and he is never afraid to tell you. He has a plan of action for every eventuality in life. He knows exactly how everything should be done. He knows how everything will turn out.
His greatest fear is for you to become strong. He doesn’t want you to find strength, support, or knowledge. He, therefore, watches every move you make. He will restrict your ability to leave the house or how long you are gone. He will decide where you can go, with whom, and for how long you can stay there. If you are gone without his permission, or you are gone longer then he wants you to be, he will barrage you with phone calls and texts. He will often accuse you of cheating on him and can be very crass and explicit in his accusations. He will control who your friends are, if he indeed allows you to have any friends. He will force you to cut contact with family, or make family so miserable around him that they cut contact with you. He will affect your work by checking on you constantly. He will require your children to report your whereabouts and your activities to him. He will often turn children against you.
He is very criticizing and extremely focused on running every aspect of your life. He will watch what you wear and make rules about appropriate attire. Your skirts may be too short or too long, pants too tight or too baggy, shirts too revealing or not revealing enough. He is extremely jealous of you and everything in your life. All of your energy must focus entirely on him or else he will abuse you.
He is a dangerous man to try to leave because of his stalking behaviors. Many women have found cameras hidden in their homes, GPS trackers on their cars and spyware on their phones. Leaving the Drill Sergeant will take planning and strength. He will open your mail, listen in on phone calls, track your texts and even follow you. Be very careful but try to contact the DV hotline in your area in order to reach out for some support. Having even a few minutes of support and help with safety planning could save your sanity and your life.
If you are a victim of the Drill Sergeant you will have to rely deeply on your own strength as well as your faith. Be very cautious about your attempts to leave him. You’ll often feel like a lost and alone little girl with an unpredictable father just waiting to catch you doing something wrong. You will experience paranoia, fear and debilitating stress. You have to be careful because the Drill Sergeant is not afraid to openly and violently abuse you. You must be courageous and wise as you plan your escape. The Drill Sergeant often has psychological problems. Remember, mental health issues do not cause abusive behaviors.
“I love you more than anyone in the world, but you disgust me. (!!)” Lundy Bancroft
What the Bible says about the Drill Sergeant:
1 Peter 5:3 Don’t be bossy to those people who are in your care, but set an example for them.
Titus 3:10 Reject a factious man after a first and second warning,
Micah 2:1 What sorrow awaits you who lie awake at night, thinking up evil plans. You rise at dawn and hurry to carry them out, simply because you have the power to do so.
Then the LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great on the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.