Random thoughts are floating through my head tonight. Thoughts that deserve some thinking through so I wanted to use this forum as a place to sort these thoughts.
My divorce is final. After 19 months…the judge pounded his gravel and granted our divorce. How does this feel? Surreal, odd, happy, final, finished, sad….over all with a feeling of “what now, what’s next”?
I have been praying about what role God wants me to play in my family’s life and in church life. What ministry does He have for me? He very specifically told me that He wants me minister to MY children. I find this very interesting. He is not calling me to a place of church work…but a place of family work. Church work is limited to prayer and to those things my children need…like adventure club and Sabbath School. I am told to ‘wait’…psalm 27:14 says to “wait on the Lord. Be brave and wait on the Lord”. So, I will wait. I will love my children, minister to them, pray for them and for others and wait for whatever it is God has asked me to wait for! Did I ever mention that I hate waiting? If something has to be done or needs to be done…I just want to do it and get it over with. Waiting is annoying. The Lord has also been working with me on contentment. Being content no matter where I am, what I am doing and what is going on with my life. Having the knowledge that He’s got it under control and I really have no good reason to think that I could possible control my life any better! Just be content and let Him take the wheel.
I am also thinking about what else I need to work on. I am praying that scary prayer of “Jesus, show me my heart. Teach me what I need to learn. What needs healed, changed, improved? Heal me, change me, improve me! My desire is to be Yours. To have a heart for you and for your people. I want to walk in your light always.” I wonder what will happen??
I am afraid. I am so scared of royally screwing up my life! This is a fear that has just come into words for me. Can I make wise and good choices? Am I capable of leading my family to Jesus? to health? to a full life? It’s all on my shoulders now (it always has been really, but now its official). I make Jesus a co-parent, asking for his help in leading my kids everyday. I am NOT enough…but He is and He can make up the lack. He can turn bad into good. He can guide me. I know this…so why is it so scary? I guess it’s just embracing living under His protection instead of a humans protection. The weight of the world is on my shoulders as they say. My head knows the truth…my heart has to believe it!
Plans. Now that I am free what do I want to plan for? What do I want for my future? why is God asking me to wait when I just want to move forward? What am I waiting for? I want to dream, plan, make goals. Buy a house, move, go to school, get a job outside of the home, travel? What about ‘life’ stuff like bills, insurance, investments, what to buy, what to share, BIG decisions that make me feel so inadequate and scared.I feel alone.
Spiritually, the world tells me that my children are doomed. That without an active father in their life they are up against HUGE odds. My daughter will be needy, seeking love in the wrong places, my sons will be either passive or violent, more likely to do drugs and end up in jail, unable to give their strength to the world for Jesus. I left one really bad situation only to enter into another hopeless one. I am actively refusing to give in to these lies! I will FIGHT for my children…there is nobody else to do it! I will fill the gap for them as best I can. I will trust Jesus to father them, I will pray for men who can mentor them along the way as they grow. I will pray, pray, pray and fight, fight, fight for my kids!
I am happy. I want to truly enjoy this time in my life. A time of freedom and joy. I want to explore, see and experience life! I don’t want to live with regrets. I want to love fully, live thoroughly and laugh often! I want to do something GREAT …something amazing for Jesus! I have this small feeling in my heart that has been growing over the last few months…a flame of desire to do public speaking or write a book or something to reach out to women and men who need Jesus! I am SO inadequate for that…but a desire is there none the less…even if it is small and has no direction as yet…maybe this is what I am to be waiting for?
So here is where I am at. A waiting and growing time. No real direction for our future but told to wait on Jesus for an unknown outcome. Trust in Him, study and pray.
Jer 29:11 (NIV) “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Mk 11:24 “Therefore I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you.
James 5:16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
Prov 3:5,6 Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.
Father, I want You to direct my paths. I choose to trust you with my heart, leaning not on my own understanding, acknowledging You in all my ways. I trust Christ for the ability, faith, and will to trust. I believe that you will direct my paths, because You are always faithful to Your word.
Prov 16:3,9 Commit your works to the LORD And your plans will be established. 9 The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.
Father, I commit this matter to You, and thank You that You will establish my plans. Thank you also for directing my steps. No matter what I plan with my mind, I want You to establish my plans according to Your will, and to direct my steps, even down to the millimeter and millisecond. Thank you.